Arkay’s Room #1: Round 1, 2013. Fight.

I’ve been fighting for some time now, and one thing i’ve learnt is that no matter how good things can get, there will be a time when it comes back for me. Through all this it has taught me a few things but most importantly, like all the other hurdles in my life, it’s made me stronger and made me aware of something:

“The toughest fights I’ve ever been in are with no one else but myself, because once i win that fight, everything else is only a matter of time.”

This week has been bittersweet, sweet because it’s been fun and there has been some improvement in productivity; bitter because while i wasn’t looking Round 1, 2013 (my first difficult spell with FMS this year) started, and i wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked to have been. I don’t know how i didn’t see this coming, i pushed myself harder than i should have over the first few days of the week and should have seen this coming when the my symptoms Spiked on Tuesday. How did i miss it? maybe i thought Tuesday was a one off thing, maybe i pulled a page out of the beginning of last year and ignored it, maybe i got arrogant and didn’t think it could hurt me this time. I think that’s the one, I got arrogant.

Arrogance cost me a lot a year ago, at least this time around i’m more aware and won’t let it get as far as it did then.

The pains, stiffness, aches & fatigue got mildly worse as the week proressed but yesterday… yesterday things escalated during the course of the day. The morning was ok but by evening my nerve sensitivity was quite high, a few of my trigger points were constantly hurting, my muscles were aching ,every step i took hurt and the Fog was looming. It was enough to release something that i have kept at bay for a very long time, the key to worst days of my fibromyalgia to date; Doubt. In pain, clouded and fatigued, it was Belief that kept me going, Belief in me.

Yesterday i found myself in a situation where my Doubt went straight for the jugular, it made my mind a mess. Started questions that didn’t need to be brought up, bringing out emotions that didn’t need to resurface and just causing a whole load of noise and static, it got messy. Belief is all that stands between where i am now and giving up entirely, and yesterday was only the beginning, it always is. It’s very difficult to keep the Belief going during times when I’m physically weakened by pain and fatigue with my mind being Clouded. I would find myself feeling all the confidence in the world one second and then have it all go to hell in a heartbeat and have it like that for 5 times the length of the confidence.

Round 1 is still on going and only i can win this for myself support is only support, it helps but only i can do what needs to be done, think what needs to be thought and Keep Moving Forward. I’m still in pain right now, a pat on the back hurts as thought someone slapped me there and my thoughts seem to be slower and get lost more often. Right now things seem a darker, my coffee doesn’t taste as good and I’m so very tired, i’m tired down to my bones, maybe even on a cellular level.

Sounds bad doesn’t it.

However there is a silver lining, before my revival last year things were a 100 times worse; there were days i didn’t want to get out of bed because the pains, aches, and stiffness; my FibroFog came to a point where my mind was so cluttered and clouded that thoughts would take a minute of two to surface; i wanted to give up entirely, but i didn’t.

The Doubt is strong now, that is true, and my Belief is currently shaken, but last years Big Win made it so that my Belief will not reach Round 1, 2012 lows again (i hope), and that is giving me the fuel i need to keep my Belief going as I brace this storm. That was one of the darkest & toughest times i’ve had to face and i beat it, and if i could beat that, i’ll beat this…

it’s just a matter of time.

Straight From The Heart