Reflections @coffeacoffeemy – Fibromyalgia Strikes Back


20130407-000102.jpg

<br /
Good Morning people,

I’m back at Coffea Coffee with a Madonna Flat White next to me, which tastes better that yesterdays, not that it was bad yesterday but that today my perception of life is a little brighter.

It’s been a while since my last weekly review/reflection, hoping to get back to making this regular, but now on mondays instead of sundays.

Reflecting on the week, ended Sunday March 17th, there is much to be concerned about, but also much to be grateful for. As usual i am grateful for the family and friends that i have around me that support me when times get dark, as they did during the last few days of the week, and celebrate with me during the good times, my 23rd birthday.
Last week I had plenty of fun with friends old & new, going out for dinner, watching Armageddon (for the first time), playing FIFA and retaining the FIFA King Title, and also saw an increase in productivity; got back to reading, though i only managed 3 hours last week; blogged more, put up 3 posts & revamped my sites layout and categories; got started on a regular sleep pattern and woke up at 6am 3 times; and a few other things which i can seem to recall right now cause my fibrofog has gotten worse from the time i woke up, from a 3/10 to a 6/10 now. which brings me to the most important part of last week;

Fibromyalgia Strikes back, with a vengeance.
My post from yesterday:

I’ve been fighting for some time now, and one thing i’ve learnt is that no matter how good things can get, there will be a time when it comes back for me. Through all this it has taught me a few things but most importantly, like all the other hurdles in my life, it’s made me stronger and made me aware of something: “The toughest fights I’ve ever been in are with no one else but myself, because once i win that fight, everything else is only a matter of time.” This week has been bittersweet, sweet because it’s been fun and there has been some improvement in productivity; bitter because while i wasn’t looking Round 1, 2013 (my first difficult spell with FMS this year) started, and i wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked to have been. I don’t know how i didn’t see this coming, i pushed myself harder than i should have over the first few days of the week and should have seen this coming when the my symptoms Spiked on Tuesday. How did i miss it? maybe i thought Tuesday was a one off thing, maybe i pulled a page out of the beginning of last year and ignored it, maybe i got arrogant and didn’t think it could hurt me this time. I think that’s the one, I got arrogant. Arrogance cost me a lot a year ago, at least this time around i’m more aware and won’t let it get as far as it did then. The pains, stiffness, aches & fatigue got mildly worse as the week proressed but yesterday… yesterday things escalated click here to continue reading

(Sidenote: Please click o the passage above to add the view count to yesterdays post. thanks)

This is sums up the end of last week, and the main point of today’s reflection. I’ve been fending of minor Fibromyalgia attacks from the beginning of the year without much problem, but last week saw the resurfacing of something that i didn’t want to see again, something i didn’t want to deal with again, but something i will have to fight again and beat again. Last year, Round 1 2012, was a fight over 3/4 months, and like i mentioned above was the toughest fight with it i’ve had over the last 3/4 years. I beat it last year, i’ll beat it again, it’s just a matter of time. I’ll need to adjust to the new battle ground and being back at uni, but i’ll get it done.

Straight From The Heart

20130407-001243.jpg

Arkay’s Room #1: Round 1, 2013. Fight.


I’ve been fighting for some time now, and one thing i’ve learnt is that no matter how good things can get, there will be a time when it comes back for me. Through all this it has taught me a few things but most importantly, like all the other hurdles in my life, it’s made me stronger and made me aware of something:

“The toughest fights I’ve ever been in are with no one else but myself, because once i win that fight, everything else is only a matter of time.”

This week has been bittersweet, sweet because it’s been fun and there has been some improvement in productivity; bitter because while i wasn’t looking Round 1, 2013 (my first difficult spell with FMS this year) started, and i wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked to have been. I don’t know how i didn’t see this coming, i pushed myself harder than i should have over the first few days of the week and should have seen this coming when the my symptoms Spiked on Tuesday. How did i miss it? maybe i thought Tuesday was a one off thing, maybe i pulled a page out of the beginning of last year and ignored it, maybe i got arrogant and didn’t think it could hurt me this time. I think that’s the one, I got arrogant.

Arrogance cost me a lot a year ago, at least this time around i’m more aware and won’t let it get as far as it did then.

The pains, stiffness, aches & fatigue got mildly worse as the week proressed but yesterday… yesterday things escalated during the course of the day. The morning was ok but by evening my nerve sensitivity was quite high, a few of my trigger points were constantly hurting, my muscles were aching ,every step i took hurt and the Fog was looming. It was enough to release something that i have kept at bay for a very long time, the key to worst days of my fibromyalgia to date; Doubt. In pain, clouded and fatigued, it was Belief that kept me going, Belief in me.

Yesterday i found myself in a situation where my Doubt went straight for the jugular, it made my mind a mess. Started questions that didn’t need to be brought up, bringing out emotions that didn’t need to resurface and just causing a whole load of noise and static, it got messy. Belief is all that stands between where i am now and giving up entirely, and yesterday was only the beginning, it always is. It’s very difficult to keep the Belief going during times when I’m physically weakened by pain and fatigue with my mind being Clouded. I would find myself feeling all the confidence in the world one second and then have it all go to hell in a heartbeat and have it like that for 5 times the length of the confidence.

Round 1 is still on going and only i can win this for myself support is only support, it helps but only i can do what needs to be done, think what needs to be thought and Keep Moving Forward. I’m still in pain right now, a pat on the back hurts as thought someone slapped me there and my thoughts seem to be slower and get lost more often. Right now things seem a darker, my coffee doesn’t taste as good and I’m so very tired, i’m tired down to my bones, maybe even on a cellular level.

Sounds bad doesn’t it.

However there is a silver lining, before my revival last year things were a 100 times worse; there were days i didn’t want to get out of bed because the pains, aches, and stiffness; my FibroFog came to a point where my mind was so cluttered and clouded that thoughts would take a minute of two to surface; i wanted to give up entirely, but i didn’t.

The Doubt is strong now, that is true, and my Belief is currently shaken, but last years Big Win made it so that my Belief will not reach Round 1, 2012 lows again (i hope), and that is giving me the fuel i need to keep my Belief going as I brace this storm. That was one of the darkest & toughest times i’ve had to face and i beat it, and if i could beat that, i’ll beat this…

it’s just a matter of time.

Straight From The Heart

 

20130407-002204.jpg