The past 3 years have been rocky,i’ve had to drop the pace to deal with my health issues that never seem to end. From weekly infections, to mycoplasma pneumonia to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and then Fibromylagia (FM), which was diagnosed about a year ago. So as for now, my problem is FM, which to be honest I’m still not sure what it is. Whatever it is, i’ve finally acknowledged that the FM or whatever it is, is a problem and i’m not going to be able to move on with my life if I don’t deal with this damn thing. So i finally told me family that i need help and for the next few months i’m going to focus on beating this so that i can finally go through university and have a life that isn’t regulated by the FM, but by me.

FM has taken things away from me. It pisses me off, frustrates me and depresses me. Not a great way to live. But then again those are the bad days, there are good days but the problem is that the bad days outnumber the good days, and not by a close margin. So my mission, should i choose to accept, will be to flip the ratio so that the good days outnumber the bad. But in order to do that, i’ll have to accept limitations to my life, things that i won’t be able to do, dreams that i won’t be able to reach, achievements that i will miss out on… which brings me to the title of this post, Happiness.

I’ve been so used to defining happiness in my achievements and successes that the mere fact that I have to re-evaluate my life, to lower my goals and expectations so that I don’t aggravate my health is something that i haven’t been able to process yet… actually, i guess i’m processing it now. I’ve been putting this off for some time now because it just depresses me. I’ve been so used to dreaming big and for a long time, I was on the path to achieving most of those dreams. I always envisioned myself as a Suit, a successful business person, living in luxury, living the Good Life and enjoying the work i was doing. That was what i thought Happiness would look like for me. So I guess “my ego was writing cheques that my body won’t be able cash.”

I have to be realistic, there are more hurdles in my life now, I just need to get to the next level of life.

I need re-evaluate my goals.

I need to deflate my ego.

I need to maintain a Work-Life Balance so that stress doesn’t drag me into a relapse in the future

I need to redefine Happiness.

(sorry if the post is…. screwy, started feeling really blur midway… damn Brain Fog)