What’s up guys,
I’m sitting here at Butter + Beans, enjoying the cool air from the rain with the lovely voice of Lana Del Ray playing through my headphones while I enjoy my flat white and think.
Thinking about my life and my journey thus far; of the major factors and influences that lead me here, and amongst the greater positive influences is The Couple.
3 years ago at my 21st Birthday party I was given the gift of a certain book from The Couple, a friendship in which they started out as my tuition teachers but as time went on they not only became role models and mentors, but also close friends; a relationship that has had significant positive impact of my growth and development, as I mentioned a few lines back.
Anyway, this book went on to sit on my book shelf for a year, what was yet another tough year for both my mental, physical and spiritual health, until I picked it up to accompany me on a family holiday to visit my dad, who was based in Mumbai at the time. As per the norm that is a family holiday there wasn’t much reading involved, that is until I was hit with a virus and was thus confined to a bed for the whatever remainder of the trip, then there was much more reading involved, in fact, if i remember correctly, I finished that book in 2-3 days, but that was not the end of it, the effects of those words were not at all confined to the printed pages; that was the beginning of much, much more.
That book smashed a hole that let the light back into this dark room that I had called home for much too long, a room built upon the foundations of pain, darkness, reactivity and victimhood. A little place I had run away into to play victim in which I reassured myself that the world was conspiring against me, that life was unfair and nothing was my fault. That I was forced into this position.
That is by far the lowest point in my 24 years. I was a powerless, depressed, self-pitying victim that was letting life act upon me, I may have been alive, but I was not living. (A Tale of Two Minds, iClouded, Two roads diverged in a wood)
All that changed when I got back from that trip, reborn from the ashes of allowing Fibromyalgia wreck havoc on my body, my mind and most importantly, my spirit. The light that shone in bright through that hole Rekindled my Spirit. The book made me self-aware of that position that I had put myself in, and that’s when I decided that I was going to sit down and let Fibromyalgia stop me from living and growing without a fight. That was a little more than 2 years ago and I have never been better, I’ve had a few crashed here and there my Life Line of Best Fit is still going up. #KMF.
This also coincided with the proper start of my blogging, from a few dark victim-like posts to writings of self-belief, hope, my growth and much more.
So why bring this up?
Well over the last 9 to 12 months I encountered a different type and scale of issues, issues that affected my Social-Emotional health; issues that, although I wasn’t aware at the time, had almost entirely wiped out my sense of security. I won’t go into details here, but essentially my teen life and beyond was about my friendships, and my sense of security was derived from that. The closer and better my friendships, the more secure I felt and vice versa. The thing is over the last 11 years nothing really big happened in that section of my life, until last July that is.
So shit happened that resulted in major damage to my sense of security and what did I do? I ran away again. I was of the mind that it would better to isolate myself than risk hurting the relationships in question even more…
or maybe i just didn’t want to deal with it all.
Time went on and it became easier to isolate myself, I made other friends, I reconnected with older friends, I had my best friend and I got a helluva lot closer to my family; parents, siblings, cousins and all. I went for class, I started running and getting healthy, I had exams, I flew off to London, I came home to Christmas with the Jessy’s, had #anotherjessywedding and proceeded to travel around and visit my family in Penang and Singapore… and the next thing I know it’s the end of the Summer holiday (Australian calendar) and I could count the number of times I hung out with the people that just only a year before used to saturate most of my days with their presence.
But this piece isn’t about my Coming Out of the Darkness or my sense of security, but of a the gratitude I feel towards a friendship, not the once in question above but my friendship with The Couple, whom gave me the vital tool to start my fight back in 2012, and this year they did it again.
At my 24th Birthday party they gave me another book, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and they are 2 for 2. This book that has not only profoundly changed the way I see things but as a result has helped me identify the root problem that lead to a big part of the last 9 months; the fact that my sense of security was centred around my friendships, particular the very very close ones, both in physical presence and emotional; a highly volatile and swaying core to centre my life don’t you think? Since I started reading I have, over the last month, worked at cleaning up my lenses and recalibrating my sense of power, security, guidance and wisdom.
It was hard at the start, not to change my paradigm but to act upon it, to be more proactive and take more responsibility for my life. To be more accountable for my life and exercise my freedom to choose my responses to stimuli, but just like my running, I started small and worked my way forward. I’ll talk about this in more detail soon, but for now:
As Emerson puts it so aptly;
“That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the nature of the task has changed but that our ability to perform it has improved.”
I’ve seen great changes in my self-awareness, proactivity and the identifying of my core values since I started reading the book, nothing’s for certain at this early stage yet, but what I am certain about is that I feel and see differently.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for this gift, it’s not just a book, it’s the next level of my growth, awareness and personal development.
And I guess this is only the beginning.
Straight From The Heart