Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll with a portion of Hyde on the side, or maybe even Hyde with a portion of Jekyll on the side.
At one moment I feel great, happy and optimistic and the next i can feel like there is no hope in the world, that everything is dark, like I’m in this deep dark hole that i just can’t get out off. For the most part, the latter occurs more than the former. It’s like I’m two different people, and the days i feel more fatigued or fogged up, well, don’t expect me to be all cheerful, to say the least. Of course i try my best to put my best foot out when people are around, but sometimes it just takes too much out of me, and then you can expect me to be on a short fuse. At times i may just leave, but then there are times when i may let some steam off.
This “Tale of Two Minds’ is driving me mad, on one day i’ll be positive and another i’m not so. This doesn’t help when i need to make decisions. Especially now, i have to decide whether i am going to take the next few months off and focus on fighting the FM, or for later whether i want to go to Melbourne to do my 2nd and 3rd years (but i’ll discuss those 2 in individual posts).
Another problem, probably the one that worries me the most, is that I don’t know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel that I don’t need to accomplish great things in my future to make me happy but then there are times when i want to be the best and become the best and that only by reaching great heights will I be happy. So how do I make decisions when i don’t know what i want?
When i don’t know WHO i am.
I read Robin Sharma book’s and one of his most important lessons is that greater Awareness, leads to better Choices which then leads to better Results.
But how do I get better results when my choices change day-to-day because my Awareness is impaired. I’ll be aware of this one point today, but i’ll forget soon after, that’s the most frustrating thing about FM, the Brain Fog. My mind feels clouded and clutter, which make me feel clogged (one of the reasons i started blogging was to help reestablish my train of thought, to improve my cognitive power etc) and that’s why my writing can get messy, confusing and convoluted. But anyway, your awareness is affected by how you think, so if how you think changes every other day, how do you make choices?
There are two different versions of Roshan Kanesan, one that was formed over the past few difficult years and the other was the original version, but as this new version begins to take over the old version is fighting to ensure that doesn’t happen, like the Empire versus the Rebels, and right now I can safely say that the Dark Side RK is kicking the Light Side RK. I guess it will all come down to whether these two opposites can come to a compromise and merge.
(this article reminds me of an essay i wrote on the Id versus the Ego illustrated through Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, i’ll post it up soon)