Journaling @Starbucks – Of Loss & Redemption


 

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Good Afternoon readers,

It’s been a while since I blogged, my last one was in memory of great man who made an impact on my life, who sadly, is no longer with us. Today i sit down at this very tastefully designed Starbucks in TTDI, sipping on Soy Café Mocha as I mull over the week and reflect.

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Over the last two weeks I have had to deal with the loss of a friend, teacher and mentor. Someone I looked up to and someone I admired. It was not easy but I am dealing with it. Loss is something that will eat you up and chuck you in a corner if you don’t deal with it, you may end up living life in Coma Mode and wasting years because the loss wasn’t dealt with and it created a numbness about life. If you need help, go get it, but don’t let the loss sit and stagnate, don’t procrastinate with regards to dealing with it. Dealing with it doesn’t mean ignoring or forgetting it, it just means accepting the fact that someone you loved or admired or cared for, is no longer around. Take your time dealing with it, but just make it certain that you are in fact trying to deal with it. Take it one step at a time, don’t let it consume you because I’m sure for most of the loved ones who have passed, they would want us to live our life’s and not trap ourselves in the past, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. I tell myself Mr.D would tell me to keep pushing forward and enjoying life, to appreciate the people you do have and to live life. And I will keep telling myself that.

On a more recent note, during the middle of this week i discovered that I was letting down certain loved ones around me, that I wasn’t acting to the best I could in respect to my relationship with them, that I could be better and that they in fact deserved better. It was quite a slap in the face, a moment of clarity where I saw all the missteps, mistakes and ill actions I was making towards them. They were victims of my lack of patience, my ill-temperament and by extension, of my Fibromyalgia. I spent some time away, alone and in solitude just thinking and became aware of how I had dropped the ball, of how I had neglected certain people and of how I can do better, I can be better & I will be better. They may have forgiven me, but to be honest, I haven’t forgiven myself, every time I think of it it makes me sick, how could I have neglected them and treated the most important people in my life so badly? I’ll tell you why, because I didn’t think about it, I didn’t think about my actions and I didn’t think about them. I took the whole selfishness thing to far, yes it’s good to be selfish but it has to be in moderation, and I forgot about that very important word, moderation.

So hopefully I have dealt with the loss of Mr. D and that, in time, I will redeem myself in my eyes. The people around me deserve better from me and I owe it to myself to be better, simply because it would be such a waste of my abilities if I I didn’t, and I so hate waste.

Here’s to more posts this week, and this is the end of this weeks Journal entry.

Straight From The Heart

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