we all have our weak moments, live is full of ups and down, and that life isn’t perfect, there is no Perfect life but we can sure as hell make the best of what we’ve got.
So yea, the last few weeks have been great and the post have reflected my progress, but hey, I’m going through a rough day and I’m going to leave the post up. To show that yes, there will be bad days, and yes there will be moments that you feel like utter shit, but you will get through it…I will get through this.
I’m not going to beat myself up for having a bad day, I’ll accept it, do what I need to or can to recover and get back on my feet soon. Today, actually not today but the last few hours have been the worst period of this Storm, but I’ll get through this. I know I will.
I did it before and had 6 great weeks and i’ll do it again and have 8 great weeks.
What is the saying,” it’s darkest before the dawn”.
Well it’s pretty dark now, but I do see the light in the distance… I will continue moving towards it, even if its one step a day, it’s progress in the right direction. If you’re in a dark place too, finds some light and head towards it, the closer you get the less dark it’ll be.
“Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choise: my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.”
― Elaine Maxwell
I hope you don’t mind that I’m diverging from the usual mo of blogging in the mo, but it should only be today, but not diverging too much, I’m enjoying my Café Mocha at this new Starbucks. The Café Mocha is ok, but not as good as the one I had at the Centrepoint branch.
On to today’s piece,
Before the last few days I’d been enjoying much progress and smooth sailing. There wasn’t much of the slowness, or the brain fog, or the tiredness or the muscle aches… But I knew they would return, it was only a matter of time. It usually took 2 weeks before these symptoms came back with a bang, but this time around I enjoyed 6 weeks of bliss. 6 great weeks of progress, and smooth sailing. And I’m happy for it. Yes I’m in The Storm now, but I just have to hold on and get through it. Just need to brace myself and not let the pain and tiredness take control. Unlike the time before my spirit has been reignited and I’m willing to fight. Before I would have 2 good weeks and then get hit by The Storm and would give in to it. But not this time.
Yes I’m tired, yes I’m waking up in pain, yes my brain feels clouded and slow, but I’ll fight this time. Life is never going to be all smooth sailings, there will be times you need to brace for impact and other times when times couldn’t be any better. Enjoy it all, learn from it all, experience it all. For it is all part of life.
Yea it’s not easy, but then again all things that are worth it aren’t easy to get, are they? I’d rather die trying to get out of this storm than resign myself to living with it and let it limit me. No. Not again. Never again. I will continue to live or die trying.
So now, I will continue to wake u as early as I can, sleep at a regular time, swim the mornings I don’t feel too tired and keep writing, because this writing helps me and thank you for reading. Hopefully within this week I’ll be able to tell all of you that i made it out of this Storm and will embark on the next part of progress.
Good Morning everyone, I really hope you’re having a better morning than me.
I’m not feeling too great today, actually feeling really tired and my mind feels all clouded and cluttered. Could only swim for 8 minutes this morning and getting out of bed at 7 was so hard even though I went to bed before 10 last night.
I’ve been feeling more tired this week, and today is the worst. Feels like one of my normal days during early this year. Tired, in pain, fatigued, clouded. I couldn’t make it to work today. I feel slow, feel like crap, the world has lost a little of it’s colour, but only a little. I’ll bounce back from this soon 🙂
I’ve actually been expecting the for some time, this is the sort of cycle i’ve been going through for the last 2-3 years, but usually it would be a max of 2 good weeks and then I would enter this sort of slump, but this time it took 6 weeks! Which is a great improvement. I could look at this and say, “oh no, why has this got to happen, why do I even try?”, but I won’t. This tired phase will last a couple of days, just my body’s way of asking for a break, plus some of my supplements have finished, so that could be contributing to this.
But anyway, yes I feel like crap, yes my body hurts and yes my heads feels clogged, but the last 6 weeks have been worth it. If I keep this up, maybe the next time will be an 8 week run before the slump kicks in. but whatever it is, I’ve made progress and will continue to make progress. Just need to get through this little slump and get on the next wave. I know I can, I will.
I’m sorry if the post seems a little messy, that how my mind feels right now. But this won’t last long, it won’t stop be Revival. This is just a little speed bump. Just need to get some good rest, wait for my new batch of supplements to come in and in the mean time, I’ll continue to try my best to get up by 7 and go to bed by 10. I hope I can go to work tomorrow.
Of course when you’re on the right path, there are going to be hard times, difficult times, speed bumps, but don’t let that ,stop you. I’m not. Because its not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. Courtesy of Rocky. Don’t give in. Don’t give up.
And I’m going to Keep Moving Forward
Anyway, that’s all for today folks.
Sorry if this weeks writing has disappointed.
Good Morning everyone and a happy Sunday to you! Please enjoy this day, spend time with the family, have some fun and chillax. Unless you’re like me and work Sundays 🙂
A couple days back, I was talking to a friend about hurt. And that got me thinking.
So yea, in life we’re going to get hurt. It’s part and parcel of growing up and living life, and yes it sucks.
No one looks forward to getting hurt, I know. I’ve been physically broken, mentally broken and spiritually broken ever since mid 2009 and along the way, got my heart broken a couple of times… or more. If you’re a regular reader you’ll know that the last few years have been tough and that the last 5/6 weeks have been a Second Coming. Recovering from hurt isn’t easy, not at all, it takes a lot of work, determination and self-belief, and also having people that have your back doesn’t hurt. During the time before my Second Coming, as mentioned above, I was hurt in many ways. I was confused, i was clouded, i thought I had wasted all my potential, I was using them as excuses as to why I couldn’t do things or why I failed or why I shouldn’t try something. I was scared. Fear invaded and took control. I was so damn scared because no one wants to get hurt again.I didn’t know what the definition of happiness was to me.
My health wasn’t great, I stopped believing in myself and my heart had been scarred many times along the way, it was scary to see a doctor because I was afraid they would tell me that something else was wrong, I was scared to believe in myself because I was afraid I would fail again and I was afraid get back into the Game because I had been hurt so many times and didn’t want to experience the sight of the girl I liked walking away with someone else. So you know what, I stopped really trying… Sure I tried a couple of times last year to get out of this funk but every time things got sour I relapsed back behind the shield I built.
I did that for a while a long time, until 6 weeks ago when I went back to India and it seemed like India had decided to give me back the part of me it took back in 2009/2010. It was then that I woke up and saw the life I was living, or the life I wasn’t living. I wasn’t really living life. I was in a coma, sleep-walking thought life, letting it act on me instead of me acting on life…. I stopped putting living in my days…. I was basically as good as dead. I didn’t want to venture, I didn’t want to experience, i didnt want to make mistakes, I didn’t want to love, I didn’t want to learn, I didn’t want to believe in me, all because I was afraid. Why was I afraid, because I got hurting instead of being strong and facing it, I decided to hide.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared, but now I’m willing to try, willing to live, willing to learn and willing to love because I know that no matter what happens, I’ll eventfully get through it. The most important lesson I learnt over the past few years is that the only thing between me and getting what I want… is me. The last 6 weeks have been great, I’ve discovered my niche, I’ve learned, I’ve made more relationships, I’ve strengthen old relationships, I’m happy again, and no, it hasn’t been perfect but it feels damn good to be alive. A rekindled spirit.
And yea, I’ll get back into the Game, and yes i’m scared. The memories and emotions of my previous ventures are still very much with me, but I guess i’ll try and learn from them instead of letting them stop me… And you know what, maybe the new-old me will find success in the Game this year, who knows, I certainly don’t… But you know what I do know…. That I will definitely be trying. Because the more I face my fear, the more power I will gain from it.
“The fears we resist will persist, what we befriend we will transcend.” Robin Sharma
So guys, have a great Sunday, take some time to think about life, what needs to be addressed and how can heal the hurt and move one. It won’t be instant, it won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it.
Good morning everyone! My Cafe Mocha and I are coming to you live from Starbucks Mid Valley.
It’s an interesting scene here, never been to MV this early…. Ever. I’m sitting outside and just observing all the people walking about, the people chilling at Starbucks. Most of them being working people, actually, I think all of them, and I will somewhat be one of them.
I’m doing good today, it could be better, not feeling as great as the last few days. Feeling a little more tired actually, no its not because of the job, I’m nervous yes, a little scared but also excited. It’s a whole jumble of feelings, like now I’m feeling all calm and cool. It’s just this university issue that’s been hanging over me. When I was really sick, like down in the dumps, wanting to give up, feeling like shit, which was in January, I had to drop out of summer school and unfortunately I couldn’t do it cleanly, it was either fail the course or defer the exam, so I deferred the exam but I lost the 30% of the course as that part is course work etc and I didn’t do any of that work, i wasn’t in any shape to. I went for about 3-4 weeks, but I couldn’t think, my mind was so clouded due to the damn brain fog, etc so yea, it was hell, now I’m trying to sort that out because it’s an important subject and will impact my entire major. So it’s stressing me out a little, I’m just worried that this sort of stress would screw up all the progress ive made in the past 5 weeks, that the stress of sitting for an exam in August about a difficult subject that has had some changes this semester would be detrimental, i know i’ll Be ready for uni again in july, but Not for an exam, and the stress that comes with it, that soon after re-starting. But whatever happens, i’ll deal with it, if I have to delay my education a little longer, so be it, but I want that Major in Accounting. Anyway, I can’t do anything about it now, we’ll see how things go. May the Force Be With Me.
I really hope that didn’t put a damper in your morning, me venting like that. It’s just a little coincidental that the day after I get this news about uni that I wake up more tired than usual etc. but if I’ve learnt anything over the past few weeks, actually the past few years, is that it’s not about what happens to you in life, it’s about what you do about it.
I won’t let this be a damper on my Second Coming, on my rekindled spirit and this revival of mine. I will stay strong , I will keep writing, keep reading, keep waking early, keep drinking Cafe Mocha, keep swimming and keep moving forward.
Turbulence is normal. Just fight though it.
I will Keep Moving Forward, one step at a time, no matter what.
Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on
Tom Jackson
Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.
Dave Mustaine
Moving on, so easy to talk about it but not so easy to actually do it, but it is an integral part of growing up and and growing into the best version of yourself.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it means being able to close a chapter or your life, whether it’s a mistake or a loss, and get on with the next phase. It means getting to the next step without holding back, without holding on to what was once and move towards what could be.
It means having the courage to face the world, to get out of your safe zone after the shit has hit the fan. To be able to say, “yea, I screwed up, but i’m not going to give up.”
“What don’t kill me can only make me stronger”
Is hard to move on, to let go of that that was once so sweet but then turned bitter, to let go of memories of great times, but if we decide to stay and hide amongst those good memories past, we will never be able to carve out memories.
As difficult as it is to move on from a rough patch, or mistake or bad phase or our lives, it’s even harder to move on from “reliving” the “Glory Days”. Being trapped in a vicious cycle of replaying a part of your life that was so great, it is living in a little comfortable dream and not letting yourself live what could be even better life. Living in an illusion that those were the best days and that you won’t get better ones, but how do you know you won’t get better days? Especially if you’re too busy watching replays and not out there trying to live life the best you can.
I’m not saying that you should forget shut the good old days, or forget about the bad times and mistakes; remember them, talk about them, reminisce, but don’t let it hold you back. It is all those parts that build who we become, learn from them, gain from them, appreciate the experience but don’t live your life wishing you had done things different, spending your days reliving good memories instead of making new ones, letting bad memories haunt you instead of learning from them.
Have a great day,
John Reynolds: Tommy, that’s a hundred thousand dollars on a goddam golf swing!
Thomas Crown: It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, John… What the hell else have we got to do?
I was listening to one of Robin Sharma‘s podcast when I heard this line:
Good Judgement comes from Experience, Experience comes from Mistakes and Mistakes come from Bad Judgement.
We have become a society that is so afraid of making mistakes, so much so that mistakes have become a taboo. This taboo has been ingrained deep into our subconscious which leads to the mentality that mistakes are just plain bad; that no good can come from mistakes; that life is meant to be mistake free and flawless. Now that,is wrong.
Being human means to make mistakes, we aren’t perfect and life, for damn sure, isn’t perfect as well. Problems will arise, mistakes will be made and yes there will be consequences but isn’t that all part of life… growth through learning, growth by gaining experience. We aren’t born with the ability to make the right decisions, we learn to do this but unfortunately there has been “babying” of the younger generation whereby parents spoon feed the “right” answer to children in an attempt to protect them. This may seem like a good idea, but there will come a time when the “kids” will be on their own and need to make their own choices… and this leads back to the quote above. How does one make Good Judgement if one has a lack of Experience due to the Fear and Protection from Mistakes which stems from a deficiency of Bad Judgement during the crucial years of growing-up. Yes parents need to protect their children from making bad calls that will scar them for life, but they cannot go on to insure that the Kids live a mistake free, “Perfect” life. On another note, i am not saying that we should all make mistakes intentionally but that we should make the best decisions we can and do our best and if it doesn’t work out, learn from it, move forward and try again… only then will you be able to succeed and live in a world that isn’t All Rainbows and Butterflies. Life is tough, but mistakes need to be made to build independence; mistakes need to be made to ensure growth; mistakes need to be made to build Better Judgement.
And now, the more personal bit… what should I do?
I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and during the course of dealing with the FM i have;t made all the right calls, but I’m learning. I accepted that I need help and now I’ve got it. I stopped denying that I have a problem and I am going to face it, after all, facing problems is a part of life isn’t it. I learnt this by having to drop out of summer school, i made a call of going to summer school, it didn’t turn out the way I planed but at least it made me realize that I have to take a break and concentrate on fighting the FM. This whole situation could have been way worse… what if my parents didn’t understand? what if I didn’t have the mental strength to deal with all the BS over the years? What if i didn’t have the financial ability to deal with the problem? I guess there are ways that this could’ve been worse, but that doesn’t mean that my problem is any less of a problem, it just means it could have been worse?
So, this is a post from the Dr. Jekyll side. A little more Light side than Dark Side.
I keep telling people about this Fibro Fog that i experience almost everyday, but do they actually understand what I’m going through? The fog is one of the worst symptoms, second only to the fatigue.
Why?
Well, for starters my head almost always feels clouded and disoriented, it’s quite a numbing experience that makes me feel isolated from the world at times. I’ll be listening to you but I’ll probably only absorb 30% of what you just told me. Back to the numbness and isolation, the fog takes a lot out of living, the small details pass me by, people get irritated at me because it seems that I’m not listening to them (my sister tends to jump on this tangent) and that I’m self absorbed. It’s not that, it’s just that, well, i’m blurred out, zoned out… even as i write this post the Fog is really making it hard to put together a proper paragraph… my word recollection is bad, i forget things so easily (and please don’t tell me everyone experiences this, i know the difference), sometimes i cane walking to do something and on the way forget what i wanted to do… and even math has become difficult, things like adding 37 & 55 (without visual aids) can get difficult at times. Reading is difficult, which make studying difficult and so on. So i hope you can see my frustration, frustration… that’s where it all leads doesn’t it. all the above cause me to be frustrated then i get irritated then i get angry and that’s put me in prime position to explode at the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place…I’m not sure whether I’ve explained everything but you get the picture, and it’s not a pretty picture to say the least.
One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was to help fight the Fog. So hopefully, in time i’ll be able to break through the cloud and see more of the light…
May the Force be with you, so that you may Live Long and Prosper.
The issue that has been using most of my brain power lately is whether i should take a break from university to focus and deal with the FM and CFS, Monash calls it an Intermission. There are days that i think i should and others where i feel that i can deal with the FM and CFS while going on with classes like I did last semester.
Last semester I come out successful but since then things have changed, the FM has gotten worse and another thought, next semester will be harder. I found it hard to deal with my summer unit and had to drop out, and even dropping out of that has been giving me headaches and has been getting me anxious. On a side note, I took the summer unit optionally as a method of being productive during my break instead of just chilling with my friends and family, and instead of learning more about Financial Accounting, I learned that FM can be quite disruptive to say the least. After my previous exams my FM started getting worse so much so that I couldn’t focus during my summer classes (i sat and stared, i couldn’t absorb anything), waking up got harder, the fatigue, brain fog and muscle aches got worse, my moods made me seem bipolar and I just couldn’t handle the stress of knowing that I was bound to fail, I couldn’t do it… the only positive and most important point that came out from the summer unit is that I finally accepted that the FM needed to be dealt with and that I needed to bring my parents in 100%, before this I didn’t really let on how bad times would get. I guess i thought that if I ignored it, it didn’t exist… I guess i thought wrong.
Now, we are in the process of dealing with it, not me but we. I should have realized along time ago that I wasn’t alone in this, but why did it take me so long to admit that I needed help? A combination of my Ego mixed in with the fact that I’m used to doing things alone with a hint of “didn’t want to bother everyone else with my problems”.
So now, to the point. Should I take a break or not? How do i make a decision when my position on this matter changes day-to-day, (further elaborated in A Tale of Two Minds http://arkay6.com/2012/02/05/a-tale-of-two-minds/ ).
Why shouldn’t I take a break? Well first of all because I’m am so far behind, in terms of education, the people i graduated secondary school with, so much so that most of my new friends are about 2 years younger than me. Do I really want to be left back some more? Still be in university when friends my age start working?
But then again, I don’t want a repeat episode of Summer School Dec 2011 where I drop out because I haven’t dealt with the underlying issues and waste more of my father’s money which he works so hard for. I’m scared. Scared that I will let down my parents, I’m scared that I will let myself down again…that I will fail next semester due to factors out of my control which will only further waste away confidence when I’m already using out my reserves. I don’t know how I would take it if I failed next semester, but I highly doubt that it will be good… as it is my moods are more bad than good, more depressed than happy, more cloudy than clear…
I guess…. i guess that I will have to see whether have more good days than bad days in the next 2 weeks… and make a decision by my birthday… my birthday… what a depressing thought, 22 years old and still in my first year of university. It’s just so… so… upsetting… but before I go off on a tangent let me just finished this post up. based on what i just wrote it would seem a better option to take a break a deal with this goddamn FM and CFS and know how much of it I can cure and how much of it I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
But making this decision is so scary… what if I take a break and suddenly in less than a month im feeling better? what then? Would that mean that i just wasted another semester? It’s times like these… when i think about my future that i get depressed… that things get darker… that things just seem a little more hopeless…
It makes me think… is there a “correct” choice in this situation, or am I screwed either way?
Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll with a portion of Hyde on the side, or maybe even Hyde with a portion of Jekyll on the side.
At one moment I feel great, happy and optimistic and the next i can feel like there is no hope in the world, that everything is dark, like I’m in this deep dark hole that i just can’t get out off. For the most part, the latter occurs more than the former. It’s like I’m two different people, and the days i feel more fatigued or fogged up, well, don’t expect me to be all cheerful, to say the least. Of course i try my best to put my best foot out when people are around, but sometimes it just takes too much out of me, and then you can expect me to be on a short fuse. At times i may just leave, but then there are times when i may let some steam off.
This “Tale of Two Minds’ is driving me mad, on one day i’ll be positive and another i’m not so. This doesn’t help when i need to make decisions. Especially now, i have to decide whether i am going to take the next few months off and focus on fighting the FM, or for later whether i want to go to Melbourne to do my 2nd and 3rd years (but i’ll discuss those 2 in individual posts).
Another problem, probably the one that worries me the most, is that I don’t know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel that I don’t need to accomplish great things in my future to make me happy but then there are times when i want to be the best and become the best and that only by reaching great heights will I be happy. So how do I make decisions when i don’t know what i want?
When i don’t know WHO i am.
I read Robin Sharma book’s and one of his most important lessons is that greater Awareness, leads to better Choices which then leads to better Results.
But how do I get better results when my choices change day-to-day because my Awareness is impaired. I’ll be aware of this one point today, but i’ll forget soon after, that’s the most frustrating thing about FM, the Brain Fog. My mind feels clouded and clutter, which make me feel clogged (one of the reasons i started blogging was to help reestablish my train of thought, to improve my cognitive power etc) and that’s why my writing can get messy, confusing and convoluted. But anyway, your awareness is affected by how you think, so if how you think changes every other day, how do you make choices?
There are two different versions of Roshan Kanesan, one that was formed over the past few difficult years and the other was the original version, but as this new version begins to take over the old version is fighting to ensure that doesn’t happen, like the Empire versus the Rebels, and right now I can safely say that the Dark Side RK is kicking the Light Side RK. I guess it will all come down to whether these two opposites can come to a compromise and merge.
Signing Off,
Arkay6
(this article reminds me of an essay i wrote on the Id versus the Ego illustrated through Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, i’ll post it up soon)
arkaysthoughts 