Category: #arkaysJournal

Saturday “Should Have Been in the Morning” Reflections


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Good afternoon readers, yes today’s piece comes at an hour later than usual, but it’s not because I overslept, nope, I still woke up at 7. I was just feeling a little dazed this morning, and was spending time with the family, dad’s back.

So today, I have beside me a cuppa green tea, chilling in Dome BSC, and I’m going to do a little reflection.

It’s been about 3 weeks since I come back from my week stay with dad in India. 3 weeks since I’ve started this personal awakening of mine. And just let me say, IT FEELS SO GOD DAMN GOOD TO BE ALIVE AGAIN. No longer feeling like I’m in a coma. I no longer feel like I’m coasting through life. I have my goals, I have my self-belief, I have my writing and so much more.

Most importantly, I’ve been dreaming again… And even more important, I believe that I can achieve those dreams. Thank you Dr. Schwartz for igniting my spirit, thank you Zoran & Cheryl for giving me the book, thank you my dear parents for supporting me, Sheka for giving me the opportunity to be published in The Edge Financial Daily, Robin Sharma for providing me daily motivation and great life lessons and finally, you, my readers, the people who have given me so much encouragement and support over the past 3 weeks.

I have done more in the last 3 weeks than the 3 months before that. I’ve socialised more, Skype with people, spent good time with family, practiced my singing, working my brain, waking up early every morning, swimming almost every morning, growing my blog and just all round development. It has been great, it wasn’t a completely smooth ride but life never is. What I’ve learnt is that the greatest, the best, the geniuses, are the ones who fail the most, the difference is that they don’t allow those defeats to cripple their spirit. Hopefully, I will extend this 3 week spell to another 3 weeks and beyond.

After a few weeks of waking up at 7, I think my body is finally adjusting to it, it’s getting a little easier to get up at that time, I’m going to try and wake up a little earlier this week. My goal, is that by the end of the year, I should be able to sleep at 10 and wake up at 5am feeling completely refreshed. That’s the dream. Wish me luck. I would like to join the 5 o’clock club.

How about you? How has your week been? Why don’t you take a minute and think about it, reflect on the week. What improvements have you made in your life? What did you do this week that you didn’t like and what can you learn from it? (the only valuable part of a mistake is the lesson you gain from it) how can you improve the coming week? Maybe you would like to cut down on tv time and get more reading done? Start sleeping at a regular hour so that you can get your body adjusted?

We should all actually start reflecting on our lives on a weekly basis. Look at the direction we are heading in, whether we are in line with our goals, planning the next week and just taking a good look at yourself. Go get yourself a journal to do little writing in, something to put your thoughts in, to plan your goals, to brainstorm, to reflect on the week, to dump your worries in. A companion that will help you develop into the person you aim to be.

I hope this has helped you,

Straight From The Heart,

Arkay 6

“Good Things” MUWCI Valentine’s Soiree Performance 2010


The original song is Good Things by Rich Boy. The lyrics are my own and are about MUWCI. the video isn’t very good quality and I’m not very clear but i still get misty eyed whenever i watch it. i was really nervous, and messed up a couple lines, but am still damn proud that i did it. 🙂 peace!

Moments


Good morning everyone! Its a beautiful Sunday morning, I hope all of you enjoy the day.

Life is all about moments, all about the memories and experiences that make us who we are. We all go through ups and downs, highs and lows, the rise and fall. We are more likely to remember who we feel at a moment rather than what actually happened. We don’t remember days, we remember moments. whether they were good moments or bad moments, they are a part of who we are, don’t hold on to them too tight, but always remember them.

Today’s post is a little closer to the chest, it’s about defining movements in my life and I would like to share them with you.

Key Moment: Just before I started Sri KDU, my dad sat me down and talked to me. He told me that even though the school was a lot of money, he knew it was worth it because he believed in me. He wanted me to have the best education, the best foundation that he could give me, because he believed that I could do great things. That moment changed how I approached secondary school. I volunteered to become monitor, which lead to me becoming a prefect which lead to later becoming Head Prefect. Yes, I may have stepped on some toes initially and set back my social life, but I wouldn’t have done anything different.

Greatest moment: it was March 2008, the day SPM results were being released. I was so damn nervous, not that I was worried, but I always get nervous during big moments, i expected to at least get 7A’s, that would have been good. I remember this so clearly, I walk up to Mr. Sera, he looks for my slip, he looks at is and smiles, then he looks at me and says, congratulations. I take the slip and look…. The first thing that popped up was A1 for BM. WHAT!?!?! That was went through my mind. I achieved 9 A1s and 2 A2s…. I was stunned. Shocked. Incredibly Happy. I walk up to my parents and tell them the news. We hugged, everyone was happy and then it happened, something I have never seen before, my dad teared…. A tear of great pride…. I could feel how proud he was and that tear was…. It brought me a feeling that is still unparalleled. My greatest moment. I for A2 for Add Math, And the only reason Aunty Prems spared me is because of my overall result.

Roller coaster moment: it was after the interviews for UWC. I got a call, Deborah was on the line. “Roshan, i’m so happy to tell you that you’ve been accepted, you’ve got a place at the Mahindra United World College”. I was so happy, it was just the news I was awaiting to hear, I was so damn happy but then it all evaporated when I was told that I wasn’t getting any scholarship. Why so sad? Because my parents had a serious talk with me, they told me that they could afford 50%. So this was quite a blow to me. It was a major roller coaster ride… But in the end my parents, extraordinary people, managed to find a way to send me… They found the money.

Worst moment: this was a couple days after my 20th Birthday, it as February. My dad was on his way up the hill to pick me up. To take me away from MUWCI. This was the end of my MUWCI journey, the end of my stay on the hill. The worst moment came when I was in the car, driving away from the friends that had gathered to send me off. Moving away from them was so painful… Every metre forward hurt. It finally hit me. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go, that wasn’t part of the plan, it wasn’t suppose to end like this. (a post about MUWCI will come out in the next few weeks)

These were all the first things that popped into my mind. If you guys are comfortable I would love to hear from you. Your moments. Just comment below, no pressure 🙂 or if you have suggestions for more moment titles.

Straight from the Heart,

Arkay6

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Onward Ho!


 

Birds flying high, you know how i feel.

I’m actually feeling good this morning, woke up relatively early and stayed up… didn’t go back to bed even though i had nothing to do and was tired. I took a step forward, which brings me to my point today. Keep Moving Forward.

Coincidentally, as i was writing this, an old friend of mine, Somaiah, mentioned this quote to me (via the miracle that is FB)

Life’s like a bicycle, you got to keep moving to keep your balance.

Makes a whole lot of sense if you think about it. Thanks Soms.

I have mentioned one more than one occasion that life is tough, that it’s full of challenges, that it isn’t all Rainbows and Butterflies. This Growth can only happen at a point of resistance… if the human race never faced problems or challenges… we’d either be extinct or still in caves but anyway…

the most important thing when it comes to life is Taking Action, being Proactive, Trying…. if you do not try, you will never know if you can succeed.

Going on, one step at a time… you should have a long term picture but don’t rush or jump around, take it a step at a time… I have realized that patience is the key to achieving my goals and that there’s no point rushing if it’s all just gonna fall apart… just like the construction of a building i have to make sure the foundation is strong, more specifically, over the next few months i’m going to have to adjust my diet and build habits and routines to minimize symptoms and strengthen my body and mind. I need to restart my sleep cycle among other things.

The fact is, I need to Keep Moving Forward, I need to keep taking that one additional step, no matter how small, because if i do all the small things right, big things will happen. No matter how small I need to make sure that every day I take one step towards what i want to achieve “tomorrow” and not give up… because it’s just that much harder to beat someone who won’t give up.

At the end of the day, Being Challenged in Life is Inevitable but being Defeated is Optional

Till the Next Time,

May the Force be with you so that you May Live Long and Prosper,

Straight from the Heart,

Arkay6

normally, if lines are in Italics, means that they’re quotes that I read somewhere. 🙂 peace out

 

Mistakes


I was listening to one of Robin Sharma‘s podcast when I heard this line:

Good Judgement comes from Experience, Experience comes from Mistakes and Mistakes come from Bad Judgement.

We have become a society that is so afraid of making mistakes, so much so that mistakes have become a taboo. This taboo has been ingrained deep into our subconscious which leads to the mentality that mistakes are just plain bad; that no good can come from mistakes; that life is meant to be mistake free and flawless. Now that,is wrong.

Being human means to make mistakes, we aren’t perfect and life, for damn sure, isn’t perfect as well. Problems will arise, mistakes will be made and yes there will be consequences but isn’t that all part of life… growth through learning, growth by gaining experience. We aren’t born with the ability to make the right decisions, we learn to do this but unfortunately there has been “babying” of the younger generation whereby parents spoon feed the “right” answer to children in an attempt to protect them. This may seem like a good idea, but there will come a time when the  “kids” will be on their own and need to make their own choices… and this leads back to the quote above. How does one make Good Judgement if one has a lack of Experience due to the Fear and Protection from Mistakes which stems from a deficiency of Bad Judgement during the crucial years of growing-up. Yes parents need to protect their children from making bad calls that will scar them for life, but they cannot go on to insure that the Kids live a mistake free, “Perfect” life. On another note, i am not saying that we should all make mistakes intentionally but that we should make the best decisions we can and do our best and if it doesn’t work out, learn from it, move forward and try again… only then will you be able to succeed and live in a world that isn’t All Rainbows and Butterflies. Life is tough, but mistakes need to be made to build independence; mistakes need to be made to ensure growth; mistakes need to be made to build Better Judgement.

And now, the more personal bit… what should I do?

I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and during the course of dealing with the FM i have;t made all the right calls, but I’m learning. I accepted that I need help and now I’ve got it. I stopped denying that I have a problem and I am going to face it, after all, facing problems is a part of life isn’t it. I learnt this by having to drop out of summer school, i made a call  of going to summer school, it didn’t turn out the way I planed  but at least it made me realize that I have to take a break and concentrate on fighting the FM. This whole situation could have been way worse… what if my parents didn’t understand? what if I didn’t have the mental strength to deal with all the BS over the years? What if i didn’t have the financial ability to deal with the problem? I guess there are ways that this could’ve been worse, but that doesn’t mean that my problem is any less of a problem, it just means it could have been worse?

So, this is a post from the Dr. Jekyll side. A little more Light side than Dark Side.

May the Force be with you so that you May Live Long and Prosper,

Straight from the Heart,

Arkay6

part of me feel that i may have lost track of what i was talking about…. comments anyone?

iClouded


I keep telling people about this Fibro Fog that i experience almost everyday, but do they actually understand what I’m going through? The fog is one of the worst symptoms, second only to the fatigue.

Why?

Well, for starters my head almost always feels clouded and disoriented, it’s quite a numbing experience that makes me feel isolated from the world at times. I’ll be listening to you but I’ll probably only absorb 30% of what you just told me. Back to the numbness and isolation, the fog takes a lot out of living, the small details pass me by, people get irritated at me because it seems that I’m not listening to them (my sister tends to jump on this tangent) and that I’m self absorbed. It’s not that, it’s just that, well, i’m blurred out, zoned out… even as i write this post the Fog is really making it hard to put together a proper paragraph… my word recollection is bad, i forget things so easily (and please don’t tell me everyone experiences this, i know the difference), sometimes i cane walking to do something and on the way forget what i wanted to do… and even math has become difficult, things like adding 37 & 55 (without visual aids) can get difficult at times. Reading is difficult, which make studying difficult and so on. So i hope you can see my frustration, frustration… that’s where it all leads doesn’t it. all the above cause me to be frustrated then i get irritated then i get angry and that’s put me in prime position to explode at the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place…I’m not sure whether I’ve explained everything but you get the picture, and it’s not a pretty picture to say the least.

One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was to help fight the Fog. So hopefully, in time i’ll be able to break through the cloud and see more of the light…

May the Force be with you, so that you may Live Long and Prosper.

Straight from the Heart,

Arkay6

Two roads diverged in a wood.


The issue that has been using most of my brain power lately is whether i should take a break from university to focus and deal with the FM and CFS, Monash calls it an Intermission. There are days that i think i should and others where i feel that i can deal with the FM and CFS while going on with classes like  I did last semester.

Last semester I come out successful but since then things have changed, the FM has gotten worse and another thought, next semester will be harder. I found it hard to deal with my summer unit and had to drop out, and even dropping out of that has been giving me headaches and has been getting me anxious. On a side note, I took the summer unit optionally as a method of being productive during my break instead of just chilling with my friends and family, and instead of learning more about Financial Accounting, I learned that FM can be quite disruptive to say the least. After my previous exams my FM started getting worse so much so that I couldn’t focus during my summer classes (i sat and stared, i couldn’t absorb anything), waking up got harder, the fatigue, brain fog and muscle aches got worse, my moods made me seem bipolar and I just couldn’t handle the stress of knowing that I was bound to fail, I couldn’t do it… the only positive and most important point that came out from the summer unit is that I finally accepted that the FM needed to be dealt with and that I needed to bring my parents in 100%, before this I didn’t really let on how bad times would get. I guess i thought that if I ignored it, it didn’t exist… I guess i thought wrong.

Now, we are in the process of dealing with it, not me but we. I should have realized along time ago that I wasn’t alone in this, but why did it take me so long to admit that I needed help? A combination of my Ego mixed in with the fact that I’m used to doing things alone with a hint of “didn’t want to bother everyone else with my problems”.

So now, to the point. Should I take a break or not? How do i make a decision when my position on this matter changes day-to-day, (further elaborated in A Tale of Two Minds http://arkay6.com/2012/02/05/a-tale-of-two-minds/ ).

Why shouldn’t I take a break? Well first of all because I’m am so far behind, in terms of education, the people i graduated secondary school with, so much so that most of my new friends are about 2 years younger than me. Do I really want to be left back some more? Still be in university when friends my age start working?

But then again, I don’t want a repeat episode of Summer School Dec 2011 where I drop out because I haven’t dealt with the underlying issues and waste more of my father’s money which he works so hard for. I’m scared. Scared that I will let down my parents,  I’m scared that I will let myself down again…that I will fail next semester due to factors out of my control which will only further waste away confidence when I’m already using out my reserves. I don’t know how I would take it if I failed next semester, but I highly doubt that it will be good… as it is my moods are more bad than good, more depressed than happy, more cloudy than clear…

I guess…. i guess that I will have to see whether  have more good days than bad days in the next 2 weeks… and make a decision by my birthday… my birthday… what a depressing thought, 22 years old and still in my first year of university. It’s just so… so… upsetting… but before I go off on a tangent let me just finished this post up. based on what i just wrote it would seem a better option to take a break a deal with this goddamn FM and CFS and know how much of it I can cure and how much of it I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But making this decision is so scary… what if I take a break and suddenly in less than a month im feeling better? what then? Would that mean that i just wasted another semester? It’s times like these… when i think about my future that i get depressed… that things get darker… that things just seem a little more hopeless…

It makes me think… is there a “correct” choice in this situation, or am I screwed either way?

A Tale of Two Minds


Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll with a portion of Hyde on the side, or maybe even Hyde with a portion of Jekyll on the side.

At one moment I feel great, happy and optimistic and the next i can feel like there is no hope in the world, that everything is dark, like I’m in this deep dark hole that i just can’t get out off. For the most part, the latter occurs more than the former. It’s like I’m two different people, and the days i feel more fatigued or fogged up, well, don’t expect me to be all cheerful, to say the least. Of course i try my best to put my best foot out when people are around, but sometimes it just takes too much out of me, and then you can expect me to be on a short fuse. At times i may just leave, but then there are times when i may let some steam off.

This “Tale of Two Minds’ is driving me mad, on one day i’ll be positive and another i’m not so. This doesn’t help when i need to make decisions. Especially now, i have to decide whether i am going to take the next few months off and focus on fighting the FM, or for later whether i want to go to Melbourne to do my 2nd and 3rd years (but i’ll discuss those 2 in individual posts).

Another problem, probably the one that worries me the most, is that I don’t know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel that I don’t need to accomplish great things in my future to make me happy but then there are times when i want to be the best and become the best and that only by reaching great heights will I be happy. So how do I make decisions when i don’t know what i want?

When i don’t know WHO i am.

I read Robin Sharma book’s and one of his most important lessons is that greater Awareness, leads to better Choices which then leads to better Results.

But how do I get better results when my choices change day-to-day because my Awareness is impaired. I’ll be aware of this one point today, but i’ll forget soon after, that’s the most frustrating thing about FM, the Brain Fog. My mind feels clouded and clutter, which make me feel clogged (one of the reasons i started blogging was to help reestablish my train of thought, to improve my cognitive power etc) and that’s why my writing can get messy, confusing and convoluted. But anyway, your awareness is affected by how you think, so if how you think changes every other day, how do you make choices?

There are two different versions of Roshan Kanesan, one that was formed over the past few difficult years and the other was the original version, but as this new version begins to take over the old version is fighting to ensure that doesn’t happen, like the Empire versus the Rebels, and right now I can safely say that the Dark Side RK is kicking the Light Side RK. I guess it will all come down to whether these two opposites can come to a compromise and merge.

Signing Off,

Arkay6

(this article reminds me of an essay i wrote on the Id versus the Ego illustrated through Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, i’ll post it up soon)

Potential


“Don’t get caught up in wasted potential from years past. Potential is all we ever have”

I guess the biggest “asset” that all of us have is our potential. Unfortunately it has been this “asset” that’s been causing me to be less-than-happy over the past few months. It’s caused me to be frustrated, angry and at times depressed. Why you ask?

For most of my life i’ve always been told about how well i’ll do in “life”, all the things i’ll do, all the places i’ll see, the impact i’ll have. They always talk about my potential. This always encouraged me, it helped me believe in myself and helped build confidence. And as it would turn out, I did achieve things and make little impacts here and there.

Unfortunately all this also inflated my Ego.

So as life moved on, it seemed as though i was heading towards the goals that I had set for myself. Become Head Prefect, Ace SPM, go to UWC and this is where it… paused, i unfortunately couldn’t take the next step and reach my next goal, studying in the States. When my health deteriorated i still held on to my dreams, but as time passed it seemed that it was moving further and further away and that day-by-day my “potential” was diminishing due to health problems that never seemed to leave me be. The hardest part was accepting that a lot of my “dreams” are not going to come through, and for the most part it is due to factors beyond my control, but my Ego has been having a hard time swallowing this… that the “potential” that people used to say I had, might never see the light of day.

 But then, i read the quote above, the one right at the top, and it made me think. Why should i fret about the potential that has already gone to waste? Potential is something I will always have, something that WE will always have. Because as long as I am breathing, there’s potential for something, it may not be the same “Potential” and  I may need to re-adjust where I want to go in “Life”, but isn’t that Life? Plans are important but life has a tendency to throw a wrench in the works, we just need to learn to adapt, and i guess I’m going to have to learn that if i want to be happy, cause isn’t that what we all strive for…. to be Happy.

I still haven’t dealt with this issue and I struggle with it everyday, wanting to reach the stars but my current state isn’t exactly ideal, but it’s a Work In Progress, and one day i’ll except that it may take longer or that I just won’t reach the stars, but hey… I’m sure the clouds ain’t too bad either.

at this point i am so very tempted to put some sort of Gossip Girl influenced catch phrase (yes i watch GG, i just started, curiosity got the better of me) but can’t think of anything… yet.

Happiness


The past 3 years have been rocky,i’ve had to drop the pace to deal with my health issues that never seem to end. From weekly infections, to mycoplasma pneumonia to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and then Fibromylagia (FM), which was diagnosed about a year ago. So as for now, my problem is FM, which to be honest I’m still not sure what it is. Whatever it is, i’ve finally acknowledged that the FM or whatever it is, is a problem and i’m not going to be able to move on with my life if I don’t deal with this damn thing. So i finally told me family that i need help and for the next few months i’m going to focus on beating this so that i can finally go through university and have a life that isn’t regulated by the FM, but by me.

FM has taken things away from me. It pisses me off, frustrates me and depresses me. Not a great way to live. But then again those are the bad days, there are good days but the problem is that the bad days outnumber the good days, and not by a close margin. So my mission, should i choose to accept, will be to flip the ratio so that the good days outnumber the bad. But in order to do that, i’ll have to accept limitations to my life, things that i won’t be able to do, dreams that i won’t be able to reach, achievements that i will miss out on… which brings me to the title of this post, Happiness.

I’ve been so used to defining happiness in my achievements and successes that the mere fact that I have to re-evaluate my life, to lower my goals and expectations so that I don’t aggravate my health is something that i haven’t been able to process yet… actually, i guess i’m processing it now. I’ve been putting this off for some time now because it just depresses me. I’ve been so used to dreaming big and for a long time, I was on the path to achieving most of those dreams. I always envisioned myself as a Suit, a successful business person, living in luxury, living the Good Life and enjoying the work i was doing. That was what i thought Happiness would look like for me. So I guess “my ego was writing cheques that my body won’t be able cash.”

I have to be realistic, there are more hurdles in my life now, I just need to get to the next level of life.

I need re-evaluate my goals.

I need to deflate my ego.

I need to maintain a Work-Life Balance so that stress doesn’t drag me into a relapse in the future

I need to redefine Happiness.

(sorry if the post is…. screwy, started feeling really blur midway… damn Brain Fog)